When Your Kid is THAT Kid

Remember those blissful days pre-mommyhood or shortly into mommyhood? You know the ones I'm talking about - "My child will never behave that way! My child is an angel. My child knows (will know) right from wrong. My child will read and do long-division at age three while speaking fluent Mandarin and playing four instruments."

Admit it. You've been there. The place where only "bad" children come bad parents. The place where "good" children come from good moms; moms who read to their child en utero, never turned a t.v. on so she could shower or read the mail, never accepted a PB&J as an acceptable breakfast, moms who never put their child to bed without brushing teeth because that was five more minutes, and five more minutes means you miss the beginning of House, m.d..

So how quickly after you had a child did you get snapped out of that world? Some of us lingered in that destination paradise for a few years only to be suddenly thrown onto a row boat and made to paddle ourselves 1400 miles to reality with nothing more than fleeting hopes and dreams for our little prodigies.

We've all heard Mom or Dad say, "I hope you get one just like you." OK, not all of us, in fact I never heard that - why? Because I was the good kid (OK, the less bad kid). What happens when you do get that kid? What happens when you get a kid that the world has never seen before - or at least it feels that way?

You could spend countless hours reading books by the "experts", talking to a counselor about your failing as a mother and your child's failing as "normal 5 year old", and crying yourself to sleep wondering where you went wrong and because, damn it, it just isn't fair! Don't bother. There are too many of us in that club and we aren't recruiting any new members!

Throughout this blog, I have put quotes around the words good and bad when referring to children, but not when referring to parents. Why? There are bad parents and good parents; there are no "good" or "bad" children - good and bad is reflective of choices and until mid to late teens, children do not have the mental capacity to regularly and consistently make good choices. It is our job as parents to let them make choices and learn from the consequences of those choices. If you avoid this crucial, and on-going step as a parent, you are doing a great disservice to your child.

It all comes down to this: There are no "bad" kids, and they don't come from bad parents. We've all seen "bad" kids come from good parents (the catholic school girl who gets knocked up junior year) and "good" kids come from bad parents (the kid who was beaten who becomes a social worker).

I am the mom who heard her darling told the janitor to, "Get a job" and told the teacher, "You're not the boss of me and I don't have to if I don't want to". I'm the mom of a strong-willed, whining, "I want it my way or no way" master-manipulator. I am the mom of the child who has "behavior problems", a child who occasionally wipes poop on my bathroom wall, steals my sunglasses and bracelets, screams when she sees an automatic-flush toilet. I am the mom of a child who laughs like there's a caterpillar in her shirt and makes me laugh until my sides ache. I am the mom of the child who thinks every joke starts with "knock-knock" and ends with "get it?" I am the mom who would throw herself in front of a Mac truck just to get one more "nibble" or smooch from my no-good, rotten child.

So take my advice - you may not be an expert in children, but you are an expert in your child. I will tell you what I have learned:

Never make excuses for them or their behavior. Communicate with their school as often as possible. Discipline them with intent and love. Encourage them to be just who they are. Be patient - they may surprise you. Apologize a lot. Hug a lot, snuggle a lot. Be silly when you can and firm when you have to. And most of all, just Love them.